A long time ago

Teaching at my ex primary school really brought back some great memories from a time when happiness wasn’t so elusive. When every small achievement meant the world to me and my greatest worry was whether it would rain during recess. Really enjoyed teaching cause the little kids are so damn cute and innocent. Sometimes I get so caught up in the toxicity that’s present in my life that i forget what real innocent happiness looks like. When they look so happy and excited to see you walking into class, you just cant help but smile. But at the same time i felt kinda sad when I realised how growing up has really changed us completely. We become more narcissistic, selfish, unkind and unsatisfied. We find joy in putting down others, talking shit about people behind their backs and just being assholes in general. Relationships become so much more complicated and tiring. Just thinking about what used to make us happy back then compared to now, guess we only want more as we get older. Understanding how the world really works and becoming smarter results in many things losing its novelty and appeal. We no longer derive happiness from things that used to bring us so much joy simply because we have inexplicably “grown up”. And what the fuck does that even mean? Anyway just really tired and sad about a lot of things but I guess this is just the way life plays out, like watching a car crash in slow motion but unable to do anything to stop it. Really miss my little kids so so much cause they remind me that a long time ago, things were simple, life was good and I was happy.

(Sorry i haven’t been updating my blog, about to enter university and decided to start writing again as an escape maybe?. Not a poem this time but rather something that has been weighing on my mind for a long time. My life is in a bit of a mess and I feel like nothing is really in my control anymore.)

strangers

Is it strange

that after all this time

i remember the way your smile

gently coaxed your dimples

out of hiding

is it strange

that after all this time

i remember the way your jaw moves

as you quietly chew your food

is it strange

that after all this time

i remember your favorite color is cyan

which people often mistake for light blue

is it strange

that I’m still holding on to memories

even though it feels like

holding on to burning wood

is it strange

that when someone asked me

if i knew you

i smiled and said

“i used to”

maybe it isn’t so strange,

after all we are just

strangers with memories

 

 

Protected: a question under the night sky

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By the lake

it was a perfect release,

and as the stone skipped

across the moonlight surface of the lake

i thought it would never stop

---

ten, eleven, twelve

but on the thirteenth, it disappeared

beneath the dark surface

where it sank to the bottom

alone

---

reminds me of you doesn’t it

how i thought our love

would go on and on

but i guess

a heart filled with so much love

would be pretty heavy

……………….

maybe that’s why

it sank

 

 

in the absence of love

Dark emotions swirl around me

clouding my vision

drowning me in pain

I try to scream

but I choke on my own spit

---

I take a huge gulp of water

but as it flows down my throat

it burns like battery acid

and my whole world goes out of focus

---

I reach out for the knife on the table

and grip it firmly

I grip it so hard my knuckles turn white

Tears stream down my cheeks as i convulsed

it hurts

the pain is inside me

festering

consuming

and so I plunge the knife

into the depths of my heart

where it hurts the most

to make it stop pumping out

pain

---

I was told ice melts at temperatures above zero degrees

the last time i checked

my body temperature was 37.0 degrees

so tell me how is possible

that my heart

is ice-cold

Protected: passion that flickers and fades

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i forgot how to dream

go to sleep she whispers

as i drew the covers up

and prayed really hard

can that door be opened once more?

---

just once

I want to be cast

into that surreal realm

where rocks don’t sink in the pond

where ice doesn’t melt

and fires don’t give off heat

where i can experience every emotion

all at the same time

---

just once

even if it’s a nightmare

let me dream again

i found it where i didnt expect to find it

pitter patter

the rain a musician

the roof an instrument

all those puddles on the ground

avoided by everyone

rooted to the same spot

until the heat from the sun

claims them

such a pathetic existence

and so i freed them

by stepping on every puddle

i could find

why are they staring at me

those strangers under their umbrellas

come and join me

i beckoned

but they walked away shaking their heads

guess they didn’t realize

they were just one step away

from happiness

running in the rain

I can hear the sound of the rain softly drumming against the windows. My bed gently whispers my name and my body goes numb. Then i had the craziest idea. I’m going to go for a run.

the sound of rain hammering down on the shelters, the sound of my footsteps as I make no effort to avoid the puddles of water on the pavement. These are the only sounds I can hear as i ran with no destination in mind. “If you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there.”

Time doesn’t exist when you’re running in the rain. How long has it been? My glasses fogged up but I made no attempt to clean them. It made everything around me seem so surreal.

I ran past so many people holding umbrellas desperate to get to shelter. I was the only one without an umbrella, but yet I was the only one with a smile.

I reached my destination.

Happiness can be found in the most unexpected places, you just have to look.